you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
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When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex