Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
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If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
This January has 47 Mondays
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!