[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
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My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY