Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
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Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
We avoided this particular disaster
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
yall want some gasoline milk
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?