I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
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i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Hilarious if literal: arms race
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
rise and shine we got egg
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.