Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
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“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker