Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
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[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
OMG 🤣🤣
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES