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My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.