You Might Also Like
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
tell em, edith-anne
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio