The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
You Might Also Like
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.