We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
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me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through