Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
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Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Cake safety first. Always.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Candles never taste the way they smell