You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
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It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
*gets down on one knee*
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
British people be like I’m Bri ish
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.