I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
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Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
The French cow says MEUX…
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
mariah carrie