I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
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I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
What
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here