“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
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[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”