No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
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“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
When I grow up, I want to be 16
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.