Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
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I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”