SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
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[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
bro what is going on at twitter
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.