establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
You Might Also Like
Coworker: Wow, you look great! Howโd you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I donโt like soggy bread: No bread
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: iโm sorry hereโs a rainbow
noah: that doesnโt really help
god: maybe if youโd stop whining youโd have more friends
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! Iโm going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Bee hives are like nature’s free piรฑatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Iโll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Itโs okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing youโve had for the past four years
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
i love nature ๐ sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I donโt understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managersโ texts would just be them telling me itโs not a great market for sex at the moment
I’m choking laughing omfg ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
If red meat has so much iron in it why donโt cows rust? And another thing
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.