If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
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Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.