I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
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this is the best interaction on twitter
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh