WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
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Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Spa day..😅
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I have two kinds of followers
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
That’s classic.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…