Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
getting groceries
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Tough love is true love
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy