[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
You Might Also Like
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.