Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
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I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.