People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
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I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke