My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
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If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
my first dose meeting my second
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
I’ll be mad as hell!
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.