Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
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“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok