I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
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No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.