[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
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[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out