[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
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walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner