The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
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bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
do u think theres a butter planet?
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.