I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
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The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
When you’ve simply given up.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave