I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
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Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.