Quadruple digit IQ
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Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
me when i see my girls butt
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.