them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
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Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks