When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
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The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
this is me
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.