Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
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bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Me too
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.