I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
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Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”