my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
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“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport