My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
You Might Also Like
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Not all heroes wear capes…
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
🥶🥶🐶🐶
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.