*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
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HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”