“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
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I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Truth
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.