Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
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Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.