It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
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Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
[loses house key, starts a new life]
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!