For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
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I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine