but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
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The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
starting a garage orchestra
Bartenders are just boneless bars
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.