I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
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i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.