My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
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I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.